


You Are My #001

by Epervier



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Puns, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Pokemon References, Rated M For Truly Terrible Plush Designs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-07 00:27:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14068929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epervier/pseuds/Epervier
Summary: In which Yuuri is a Bulbasaur stan and Build-A-Bearreallydidn’t think this design through. Fortunately, the handsome Bear Builder’s got him covered.





	You Are My #001

**Author's Note:**

> I've been wanting to write something, ANYTHING, about Build-A-Bear's Bulbasaur and people's tales of its infamous whacky design for ages. The vwc's prompts for this week ('first' and 'fantasy', if you're curious) enabled me. Just thought you should know. 
> 
> Not beta-ed, so I apologise for any mistake you may encounter.

In hindsight, Pokémon Go's launching had been both a blessing and an unending chain of frustration for the part of his brain that’s somehow still convinced dropping everything and becoming a grass type trainer is an adequate Life Goal that won’t end up in tears.

See, Yuuri loves Bulbasaur. He’s the proud owner of a tumblr banner that proclaims so: This user loves Bulbasaur and would die for it, no questions asked.

For Yuuri, there’s no better feeling in the world than trolling that week’s Charizard stans (who think they are the shit yet feel the need to bully small innocent grass-types) with a Sleep Powder/Leech Seed combo and watching them die a slow death of pain. His spirit animal has to be [that one pokémeme](http://cheezburger.com/5775829504/always-my-001) of OP writing Bulbasaur a love letter that Yuuri could recite in his sleep, he read it so many times.

And now, after months of slutty begging through multiple Twitter accounts created specially for this purpose with Phichit’s help, Yuuri’s dream is becoming a reality: Build-A-Bear has finally taken a hint and has added Bulbasaur to its plushie collection. (Fucking Vulpix got a spot first! Yuuri still hasn’t gotten over the taste of that particular betrayal, that blasphemy!)

He came this close to buying the exclusive online bundle, because, come on. A 6-in-1 sound chip that makes Bulbasaur sounds? A hat and scarf accessory set, in green? An exclusive Bulbasaur card?

If only they included the scent option, then -

Then it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway, because adopting online just isn’t the same and his son needs a soul in his stuffing. Phichit is right, and Yuuri hates him.

So, that’s why he’s here now. He’s watched enough Youtube videos, has scrolled down enough Google searches to feel ready for his Bearstening. Build-a-saurstening? Whatever. He made sure to go on a Monday morning, to dodge the hordes of excitable children and their families. Yuuri is not fighting a kid for first-pick privilege in a place like this. Give his survival instinct some credit.

(He knows he would, if he had to. He’d absolutely fight a kid. Petty, but _Worth It._ )

Problem?

He made sure to go on a Monday morning, to dodge the hordes of excitable children and their families. Which means the workshop is deserted. He's managed to duck into the first aisle he saw while the cashier girl gave him a lazy wave over the head of some rabid punk-wannabe teenager yelling at her, but he’ll have to face someone eventually if he wants to give life to his Bulbason.

He should turn back while he can. Go home. Order that exclusive bundle.

Yuuri takes a fortifying breath.

For Bulbasaur.

He’s ambushed by an Adonis in an apron.

“Hello! Welcome to Build-A-Bear! My name is Victor and it’ll be my deepest pleasure to assist you today. I couldn’t help but notice you look a little lost, were you looking for something in particular?”

 _Wow, where have you been all my life?_ Yuuri nods along. Then, the words register in his mind, and he reacts the way he viscerally does to any interrogation: by denying every-fucking-thing.

“N-n-no! I was just…”

“Getting your bearings? I understand. Get it? Bearings? Bear? Ah ah! So! I’ve never seen you around before. I would have remembered the face of an angel. Is this your first time here, mister…?”

“Excuse me,” Yuuri’s mouth says, without any input of his panicking mind. With perfect self-confidence, he marches off.

The bubble of dissociation bursts sometime after his hands make him lift an hideous empty skin of a rainbow teddy bear from a bin.

Shit. Ok. Ok, so that was mortifying, whatever that was. That’s ok, probably. He’s an adult male browsing for himself in a toyshop aimed at little girls. He knew what he was getting himself into coming in, he just didn’t expect to do it in front of a man who’ll be feeding his spank bank for weeks. _For months._ He’ll be experiencing the shame every time he looks at his prized Bulbasaur plushie after the deed, he just knows it. If he ever even manages to buy the plush, that is.

It still isn’t to late to flee.

Yuuri sighs.

* * *

“First time here!“ He exclaims as soon as he’s located Mr. Handsome again. He forgoes verb, subject and proper grammar entirely.

Damn it.

The Bear Builder, for his part, lights up like a Christmas Tree. “Oh, good. I thought I'd scared you off.” He did, but for both their sakes Yuuri doesn’t tell him so. “Did you pick this one, then?”

He’s pointing at the bear skin Yuuri somehow still hasn’t put down. Yuuri has a full ten seconds to answer ‘no’. Instead, he gapes like a fish.

Mr. Handsome must think that’s good enough, because he takes it upon himself to walk Yuuri through the steps of building one’s special friend. What follows is a blur, but for the sake of posterity, here are a few selected excerpts Yuuri’s mind manages to latch on in vivid technicolor:

1\. Mr. Handsome kisses the plastic heart and smiles at Yuuri a heated smile as he places it inside the bear.

“Please,” he purrs. “Call me Victor.”

Yuuri forgets his own name, age, and the purpose of his visit. His sexual orientation, not so much.

2\. The stuffing isn’t so bad. Victor guides his hand and helps him whenever Yuuri feels like he’s going to mess up. Only a bit of synthetic cotton flies everywhere. At some point, the cashier comes over but takes one look at Victor’s face and scutters off, laughing.

“I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it.” Whatever that means.

3\. Victor picks flashy outfits for their bear, throws in a few bows and a toy cellphone for good measure. When they wander over to the Star Wars display unit, he makes introductions with Obi-Wan Kenobear and adds a lightsaber to their cart. The lightsaber lights up and comes with sound effects. Yuuri holds onto the cart for dear life.

“Do you think we should give him rollerblades?”

“I don’t, um. Idon’treallyneedanyofthis? I’m sorry.”

“Oh.”

With some regret, Victor puts a pair of [red satin panties](https://www.buildabear.com/red-satin-panties/021841.html) back on its rack.

“They weren’t beary nice, anyway.”

His poker face isn’t all that convincing.

“I, uh, I was looking for Bulbasaur, actually, if it’s not too much trouble?” Yuuri confesses.

"I should have guessed," Victor says, giving Yuuri’s [hoodie](https://www.etsy.com/fr/listing/493136402/cactusaur-de-bulbizarre-pokemon-hoodie?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=bulbasaur%20hoodie&ref=sr_gallery-1-1) a wry look.

Yuuri expects to be creeped out by the bulbaskins. He expects them to be like the tail-less Slowpokes of Azalea Town. He’s not. They’re not. Yuuri wants to cry. All these potential Bulbasaurs, united in one place, just waiting for a home. Only his bank account stops him from catching them all, and it’s a near thing.

Picking _one_ is litteral torture.

“They’re all really the same,” Victor tells him, dumbfounded. From where he’s kneeling before the bin of Best Boys in reverence, Yuuri sends him a wild look. He doesn’t get it. Yuuri knows he’s a goner when he finds that he doesn’t mind even a little bit.

“My son, Victor,” he hisses under his breath. “I have to choose my _son_. How can I, though? They’re all perfect. How can I know which one of them is the bestest of best boys?”

Victor’s features soften with fondness. “I see! Well, in this case. Take all the time you need, Yuuri!…Although maybe pick one before we close.”

A wounded whine leaves Yuuri’s throat. “I’ll try.”

Ten minutes later and he’s none the wiser. “I can’t. This is too hard. Please kill me. I’m sorry,” he tells the Bulbasaur skins. All his potential children. He loves them all, equally.

“Maybe you could close your eyes and pick whichever you grab,” Victor suggests.

“Like, at random? No, that’s a dumb idea. No offense.”

“None taken!”

The answer comes to Yuuri in the form of a text from Phichit after Yuuri sends him a picture of the bin with a call for help.

 

 

Phichit  
  
#2 from the right has a <3 shaped spot if u squint!! get him!!!!!!!!  
  
!!!!!!!!!

(Victor mentally praises this evil mastermind and fails to mention to Yuuri that all of them have the spot. He’s a retail worker, not a glutton for punishment.)

They get a scent and a sound chip, but have to skip the outfits this time around, since Bulbasaur’s bulb would keep most of them from fitting, anyway. It just isn’t meant to be.

On their way to the stuffing machine, they pass the punk teenager who is back with a friend, looking decidedly less enraged with a tiger plush snuggled in his arms. The friend, Yuuri notices, sports the same blank, soulless look as his own bear.

So distracted is he by this uncanny sight, he fails to recall one vital piece of information until it’s far too late, and Victor’s fist up Bulbasaur’s backside does things to his sex drive plush sodomy has no right to do.

“Just wait until we put the heart in there,” Victor says.

They do, and it’s almost as embarrassing as the dance Victor blackmails him into doing beforehand, swearing up and down it’s tradition.

“Everyone has to!” he insists, while Mila, who has joined in watching his humiliation, records the whole thing. She then goes on to say something terrifying:

“We could make him do push-ups, too! He looks like he has the body for it.”

Victor gets this glint in his eyes that tells Yuuri he’s done for.

His only saving grace is the teenager, who cares more vocally about keeping it PG than the YMCA starter pack he’s selected for his plush would let think. It becomes evident he owns a familiar name, as well as a Build-A-Bear Bonus Club account.

“Oh? I thought someone said they weren’t a child anymore, little Yura.” Victor waves the threat of a lawsuit away with the same ease as if it were an uneffective Glare move.

Yuuri isn’t a fool. It’s not the last he’ll hear of the push-ups, and he knows it.

He may or may not be looking forward to his demise.

The real highlight of his day, though, is the moment Mila pushes his newborn Bulbasaur into his arms.

“No fair, I wanted to do that!” Victor pouts.

“You’ve been hogging the guest all to yourself for a full-blown hour. I don’t care if you want to score, learn to share a little.”

Yuuri hugs his vanilla cupcake-scented, fancy heartbeat-equipped Bulbasaur. It greets him with his and its second father’s voices, because Yuuri had discarded the classic 6-in-1 sound chip for a Record-Your-Voice one on a whim. Victor had been happy to help.

He has ascended to Pokémon Valhalla. 

“So,” Victor says, having apparently stopped bickering long enough to address Yuuri. “You know what this means, then. Only one more step before checkout.”

“Only one more step,” Yuuri parrots.

“Are you ready?”

“I am. Oh my God, I am, am I not?”

They hug. It’s only the fifth time or so, which is already five more hugs than Yuuri has shared with most people in his life, and that’s counting that awkward half-squeeze half-pat on the back he inevitably has to engage in on New Years Eve when caught unaware. It does not include Phichit -

Oh, God. Oh fuck. Phichit is going to be a godfather. Or is it an uncle? Bottom line is, Yuuri is a dad.

He’s a dad to a Bulbasaur who makes bad bear puns, and he ignores if the second father, the man responsible for his son’s bad bear pun heritage, is going to be in the picture. Yuuri may end up as a single father by the time he walks out one Bulbasaur richer and a significant amount of dollars poorer. This is it, he’s going to be a bad parent, he’s not ready for this, he…

He has no idea what he’s going to name his Bulbasaur.

“Only one way to find out,” Victor says, somewhere in the general vicinity of Yuuri’s ear.

Yuuri makes a noise. It’s not a nice one.

It also doesn’t deter Victor from marching them to the computer station where the birth certificate is waiting for them. This seals the final confirmation that Build-A-Bear staff workers are demons in disguise sent to this Earth to ruin the lives of parents and corrupt poor chaste otakus, and Yuuri is a fool for ever stepping foot into their den.

They come to a stop.

This is it.

The last step.

“Ah, Yuuri, not that I don’t appreciate the feeling but…you’re kind of squeezing my hand really hard, right now. Like, really really hard.”

“Sorry!”

“It’s ok. Well, not the death grasp, that hurt like hell, you’re way stronger than you look! I think I like that - I mean…I liked today. With you. Not only because you turned up when I was bored, though I have to say, I was _so bored_ , Monday is the _worst…_ I. Ugh, words!”

“Ugh, words,” Yuuri agrees wholeheartedly.

“Actually -”

“Will you two hurry the fuck up, already!? Some people are trying to use the fucking computers, here!” Yuri-the-teenager butts in.

“Yura, there are three other, perfectly good computers over there -”

“They’re shit! Just, move, you shitheads, or I’ll -”

“I’m trying!” Victor scoffs. “Children.”

“THEN TRY HARDER!”

Yuuri chuckles.

“Actually,” he says. “You know what, I think he’s got the right idea.”

“Who, Yura? How -”

The rest is swallowed by a kiss. Victor freezes, giving Yuuri all the invitation he needs to lick into his mouth. Once, twice, until it finally opens up full and welcoming for him.

_Have a pawsome day! You are a beary pawsome person! I love you beary much!_

He pulls Victor down by the collar of his shirt, mindless of the interruption.

“Help me name him?” He asks, casting his eyes down to the plush held between them for emphasis.

“OH THEY FUCKING DID NOT -”

The rest, as they say, is history.

 

 

 

Phichit  
  
so how did it go??  
  
...beary well, actually?  
  
told you :D :D :D  
  
also EW

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I want it noted that Yuri's tiger makes dinosaur sounds.


End file.
